Friday, June 30, 2006

The prayers of millions...answered!

Star Jones-Reynolds has left The View, her much-maligned morning show, in a flurry of dishonor and melodrama. This proves beyond a doubt that jinxing works--even from great distances.

Mind you, I don't really watch the show and, therefore, have no actual stake in what happens on it, but I just hate Star Jones so darn much. She has ruined countless E! Red Carpet Specials for me, and she must pay. She also got the wickedly funny Kathy Griffin kicked off the E! Red Carpet shows as well, which only clinched the hatred for me.

Let's put aside the sweet feeling of triumph over one's perceived enemy for one minute, though. A replacement must be found, one who can fill Star's substantial ass-groove on that floral-print sofa (do they sit on a sofa? I imagine Star must need some super-sized accommodation). Rosie O'Donnell was a horrible choice to replace Meredith Vieira, so producers have to play catch-up here. Clearly Rosie was part of a clever scheme to boot off Star, so the next pick must be legit--and entertaining. Here's my unsolicited advice (I give no other kind):

Pick someone funny! I'm not talking Joy Behar funny, here. Actual laughter must be induced. Perhaps the producers could, in an ironic twist, replace Star with Kathy Griffin, the woman that Star had booted off "her" E! Specials. I don't know if any of you watch My Life on the D List on Bravo, but it is so incredibly funny. Kathy Griffin ruthlessly gossips about celebrities, and continues to out Clay "Gayken" on a regular basis. Her Oprah impersonation alone should get her the job. Come to think of it, Griffin should just replace Joy Behar.
Have a truly young voice on the show. Elisabeth Hasselbeck may be the voice of a generation, but not my generation. Yes, she was on Survivor, but her views belong on an episode of Leave it to Beaver. In fact, I think she stole her conservative look from one Barbara Billingsley! If you're going to bother catering to different age demographics, try picking a 20-30-something that is more like a Bush twin, less like a Bush First Lady.

Pick someone accomplished (but not too accomplished). I often wonder how these View women got their jobs. They've contributed very little to society/culture/politics/journalism in their own right. Walters and Vieira were the only ones with any cubicle cred to speak of. I'd like to see a host that has done something to earn their place on the show. However, you need to be careful of the Star Jones-Reynolds self-promotion factor. You don't want the host continuously plugging his/her newest book, single, or TV movie. I would go with a celebrity who has been out of the spotlight lately.

Pick a man. This would be the ultimate transformation for the show. What better way of infusing some new blood (and topics) than by adding a male perspective? I'm hard pressed to think of a man who would go willingly into that shrill henhouse, though.

Have a rotation of regular guest hosts. Who doesn't love a good guest host? You get variety, and you don't have to worry about viewers getting sick of one annoying host over time. It's always fun when Regis and Kelly do this. Plus, it ups the show's chances of getting real celebs to do the show for a short while.

Even though I will only see the show on my pretend-sick days off, I am curious to see who is brave/stupid/desperate enough to take this job. I'm also eager to see what form Star Jones-Reynolds' thirst for money and fame will take. Celebrity Boxing? Children's Show Voice-over? Only time will tell.