Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Dancing With The Stars--Week Two

It's Week Two, and the Dancing With The Stars cast is one Tucker Carlson lighter. It feels right, and I'm not going to mourn Tucker's loss now that I have Emmitt Smith to swoon over. Here's the rundown of last night's performances:

Willa Ford: The footage of Willa getting frustrated and storming out isn't going to help her in the audience votes department, an area in dire need of help. She and Maksim do the mambo, and I can't decide which one of them looks the most like a stripper. Willa looks like Miami Whore Barbie (I'm talking bubble-gum pink lipstick, here) and Maksim's pants look like they are of the tearaway variety. They do a good job, as always, but I find it difficult to root for them. Score: 23

Harry Hamlin: Harry had, by far, one of the funniest "practice" sequences of this episode. His partner, Ashly (apparently professional dancers loathe traditional name spellings), brings in a laughter yogi (translation: overpaid yoga instructor) to loosen him up. The scene is ridiculous, but funny, as Harry acknowledges that, initially, his laughter was forced. His actual dancing seems to have improved, undoubtedly due to the rigorous laughter session. Harry and Ashly do some decent footwork during their Quickstep routine, but the glacier has not entirley melted. I can't figure out why a man with Harry Hamlin's lean body type cannot dance. He looks like he would fit right in with the cast of an old-timey musical. Maybe it's just me. Score: 21

Monique Coleman: She and Louis were told to work on their chemistry, and they certainly delivered the goods. They perform an incredibly hot, flirtatious mambo, including some professional-level moves. I wish I knew more dancing terminology, because my crude descriptions would not do the moves justice. Afterwards, the camera pans to some Billy Corgan-looking guy in the audience, but it turns out he's just one of her fellow High School Musical castmembers. Wait, there's a young bald guy on High School Musical? He'd better be the principal. Or battling cancer. Monique and Louis' torso-jiggling performance is rewarded with a 26, the highest score thus far.

Mario Lopez: The only thing I enjoyed about Mario's training montage was the part where his partner fake-slapped him. That's for Ali Landry, jerk! His Quickstep is fun, but not as impressive as last week's performance. He rightly gets called out for pandering to the crowd, and is punished with a 21. Throughout the dance, they kept showing his "family," and I kept thinking that his dad looked like comedian George Lopez. Apparently it was George Lopez, who is not his dad. It's a shame; that would have been an awesome trivia tidbit.

Shanna Moakler: Something is off about this couple. For starters, Shanna is wearing a dress covered with fringe, and looks like an antique lamp or something. Plus they danced to that ballroom classic, "Jump" by Kriss Kross. The word "huh?" comes to mind. Their mambo is good, but slow, and they receive decent feedback. Score: 22

Jerry Springer: Unfortunately, Jerry's partner, Kym, has a slight injury this week. It gives Jerry a chance to showcase his concerned, paternal side, which will probably carry him into next week. He actually seems genuinely worried for his partner (sweet!). They maintain Jerry's goofy schtick by wearing what look like costumes from Chicago and doing a faux groin kick. Always stylish. Jerry knows how to perform, which is good, since he'll never be the most techincally perfect dancer. I couldn't believe that host Tom Bergeron made a joke about judge Len's age with a Methuselah reference. Was he for real? Do people still get biblical references? Once I finished taking college-level lit courses I erased them from my memory forever. Score: 19

Vivica Fox: Vivica and Nick perform an athletic version of the mambo, including a cartwheel and a roundhouse kick. Someone was channeling Chuck Norris! Unfortunately, Vivica's insane green eye shadow takes her out of the judges' favor. Len uses a pizza metaphor in his critique, and calls her dance "doughy." Ouch. There's no way this guy can be married. He must know that women don't want to be compared to anything high in carbs. Score: 24

Joey Lawrence: In his intro, Joey professes that the Quickstep is so difficult, "it's like math." Whoa, that is pretty hard. For some reason he decided to dress as a leprechaun for his dance. I guess Halloween came early this year at Dancing With The Stars, if the clothes are any indication. Joey and Edyta's footwork is fast and graceful, and they infuse some Joey-brand tap into their performance. I thought it was adorable that Joey gave Edyta a bonus twirl after they got a standing ovation. Twirls are the key to any woman's heart. Score: a whopping 29!!

Sara Evans: Sara was determined to show the judges more of her personality this week, and I think she's succeeding in increments. She was less tense during her mambo, but find it hard to believe that a hugely popular singer can't have more fun than that. I hope she stays around, though, because I'm willing to bet that she has more to show the audience. A distraction made me miss Len's definition of welly, but I'm on the case. Score: 21

Emmitt Smith: He's wearing a tux! With tails! I gasp like I've never gasped before. His practice sequence teaches me that running backs are often required to lean forward, handicapping Emmitt for the stiff-as-a-board posture required in the Quickstep. Dundundun! The problem must have been easy to fix, because Emmitt Smith exhibits some slick moves once again. He earns 24 points and a new nickname from Carrie Ann: Twinkle Toes.

I predict that Shanna or Willa will go home tonight, and that Emmitt will continue to impress.