Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Dancing With The Stars!

The new season of Dancing With The Stars premiered tonight, and it was, as Eric Cartman would say, hella sweet. I had only watched snippets of earlier seasons, so I am basically new to the whole phenomenon. Now I can't believe I missed out on all the fun. Let me give you the rundown, if for some strange reason you opted not to glue yourself to the TV for two straight hours.

Joey Lawrence: Whoa! I admire Joey, first, for re-embracing his friendlier first name, and also for staying in shape when so many faded child stars have become bloated and gross from years of partying and drug use. The Daddy Warbucks head was a little distracting, but his dance moves reclaimed my attention. The man can still dance, people.

Tucker Carlson: I hate to speak ill of my imaginary boyfriend (I like the bow ties, not the political worldview), but Tucker deserved the bottom spot for his phoned-in performance. He spent the first 20 seconds or so of his number sitting in a chair! I'm not buying it. Also, the open-buttoned shirt made him look too much like a guy getting married on the beach in the Caribbean somewhere. He looked careless, not dapper. And dapper is the name of the game.

Sara Evans: A great singer, but a blah dancer. Sara Evans looked gorgeous as usual, but was slow and dull on the floor with her partner, Tony. Another contestant likely to go home early.

Monique Coleman: I was going to call Monique a kid, but apparently she's only a few months younger than I am. So why was she in High School Musical? Were they going for that Luke Perry effect, or did she play a student-teacher or something? Anyway, she won't last long. Her dancing was OK, but I doubt that her younger fanbase wanted to sit through the entire episode tonight.

Willa Ford: Just call her Stacy Keibler, Jr., because Willa is the new resident hottie on the show. I hate to admit it, but she's flawless, and I loved her updo. Her love-hate relationship with partner Maksim will certainly make for a good backstory. Those two would make a dyanmite soap opera couple: they are both hot and into themselves, plus sparks fly between them on the dance floor.

Emmitt Smith: Tucker is officially dumped, and Emmitt Smith is my new crush. The man is very stylish and an incredible dancer. You could tell that he worked hard in practices, but wanted to have fun with his performance. He was very smooth, and he did some sort of hip-hop move (I thought it was The Worm, but apprently it's something else) that was hilarious. When host Tom Bergeron mentioned that a staff member said it was like watching her Teddy Bear dance, I laughed. That's exactly the kind of thing I would say. Smith had better stick around for a while.

Mario Lopez: Let me begin by stating how passionately I hate A.C. Slater. The man is a sleazy cheater. That said, he's a pretty amazing dancer, although I suspect he's a ringer. The tight pants and pelvic thrusts did not help his case, either. Even the slightest hint of pelvic movement in dance makes me really uncomfortable; I would easily trade places with an adolescent girl in Sex Ed class than have to witness another pelvic thrust. It was pretty funny when Judge Bruno called him Super Mario and asked if he had extra batteries in his pants. What a pickup line!!

Shanna Moakler: Her fascinating divorce drama and her Lifetime-esque desire to prove herself were overshadowed by her lame dancing and eye makeup. That's funny: eye shadow literally overshadows something. Ha!

Harry Hamlin: MMMM. Aaron Echolls, as hot as ever. It's too bad he can't talk while dancing, because that voice would make a wolverine purr. Unfortunately, the man is more sex appeal than technical proficiency, and he was ravaged by the judges. Please keep him around, for the sake of eye candy. Joey Lawrence's bald head is just too much.

Vivica A. Fox: I thought it was lame of Samantha Harris to make such of a point of Vivica being the oldest female contestant, but Vivica showed them all. Her performance was fun and sexy, and she seemed truly moved to win the judges' approval.

Jerry Springer: This guy has some kind of Bill Clinton spell over the masses. He hosts a terrible talk show, but is irresistibly charming and funny. I thought it was adorable that he did the show so he could dance at his daughter's wedding, and the banter between Jerry and his partner was disarming. Alas, Jerry is more of a crowd favorite than a Judges' pet. And was he wearing a sash?

Tomorrow--the results show. Not to mention the one and only Tom Jones! I'm so there.