Monday, September 11, 2006

How To Postpone a Marriage Indefinitely, By Brad Pitt

To all the commitment-phobic men in the world, those guys with perpetually cold feet: Brad Pitt just saved your asses. He has concocted an airtight, entirely noble reason to never get married. Too bad it's total BS.

In the recent issue of Esquire magazine, Pitt, otherwise known as the "Br" in Brangelina, declared that he and Angelina Jolie (and Angelina's lips) will never marry unless the U.S. government recognizes all couples equally. Wow. I'm not saying that the average woman would buy that excuse, but it would definitely make us pause and think for a while. At the very least, it's original. It has chutzpah, I'll give it that.

Most of the article is your standard "celebs are better than you even when they're being ordinary" type stuff. One guffaw-inducing example:

"His olive-green T-shirts—two of them, thin and expensive, worn in layers—are wrinkled and slightly askew, the neck holes off-center to expose one heroic clavicle."

I want it to be someone's job to provide flattering adjectives for completely random parts of my body. Seriously, a heroic clavicle? How about an altruistic pinky? A dedicated knee? The worst bit is a quote from Brad, concerning his submission to the magazine of a Top 15 List of Things Everyone Should Know. Feast your eyes:

He waves me off with a french fry, pops it into his mouth. "Are you kidding?" he asks, taking a pull of Coke from the straw. "It's like, enough about me already, you know? Let's talk about something important."

I hate when celebrities try to be humble, especially A-List super-celebrities. Maybe Brad thinks his humility and sense of humor are what got him here, but the rest of us know better. As a general rule, humility is intolerable from people who expect millions of dollars in exchange for anything.

Let's get to that list. If you haven't opened the link and read it, you're in for a treat. Pitt comes off like those college-bound overachievers who are a little too well-rounded to be human; I'm sure you've met the type I mean. When you ask them what kind of music they like, they inhale thoughtfully and say, "A little bit of everything, really. Classical, rock, ska, jazz, world, and (insert hipster band-of-the week here) is seriously overlooked by mainstream listeners." The "Things" that Brad picks range from hair products to The Drug War to pop culture. Gee, he's just a regular Joe who likes Jack White, social justice, and Tempur-Pedic mattresses! I must see that man's next film. A note to family-oriented couples: Brad has given you the green light to adopt! I know how much that endorsement means to all of you.

The "Thing" most frequently noted in the news, however, has been his "stance" on marriage, which isn't so much an opinion as a copout. From a PR perspective, this is genius. I hate it and admire it at the same time. He pretty much never has to answer another question about wedding rumors again, and he gets respect to boot. You just know that unhappily married men all over the nation are kicking themselves for not inventing that excuse.
Look for conservative groups like the Christian Coalition to suddenly recieve a large number of anonymous donations. The man has to cover his bases, doesn't he?