Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Suri Cruise: The Zapruder Film of Baby Photos

Well, the moment has arrived; Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have successfully purchased a fake baby on the black market, and they have the photos to prove it!! Suri and TomKat are gracing the cover of Vanity Fair's October issue. Since I won't be able to hear Entertainment Tonight's analysis of the picture for a few hours, I'll have to begin scrutinizing it myself.

First of all, the cheesiness factor is seriously high. The longer I look at the cover, the more lactose-intolerant I become--it's that bad. The tagline "Yes, Suri, She's Our Baby!" only compounds the offense. I thought Vanity Fair had a little more class, or, at the very least, a sense of elitism. Dominick Dunne should quit in protest, or at least loan photographer Annie Leibovitz his Coke-bottle specs so she can better see the glorified Christmas card photo she has released into the world.

Let's start with the proud "parents." According to E!, Tom Cruise stole the baby-in-the-jacket pose from a Paul McCartney album. Lame! I hope Tom isn't becoming obsessed with the Beatles now. That's Stage One of Michael Jackson Creepy Syndrome. Next he'll become a vegetarian and start speaking with a British accent. And Katie--where to start. They must have had a team of oxen pulling her face and neck fat out of the frame, because there isn't a loose bit of skin to be found. Are we supposed to believe she just had a baby? Now I'm positive she was wearing a fatty suit all those months. In fact, her neck is so taut, you can almost catch a glimpse of her Adam's apple (wait, I've said too much).

Now we come to the baby herself. She could actually be Tom's biological child, but she'd have to sport the deranged Tom Cruise 50-teeth smile for me to be convinced. Does anyone else find it odd that she has a gigantic baby 'fro, but hardly any eyebrows? Then again, I know very little about babies, let alone celebrity imposter babies. I SO want her first word to be "glib." Or "Xenu."

Vanity Fair's website gives a brief excerpt from the article to tease all of us lamewads who don't live in L.A. or New York and can't buy the magazine yet. According to Katie, the controversial in-home sonogram that Tom bought was for the purpose of her doctor's house calls. They tried to avoid going to the doctor's office because they were worried about paparazzi interference. We all know how media-shy that couple can be!

Welcome to the world, Suri Cruise. See you on the next episode of VH1's Fabulous Life of Celebrity Children!